shameless plug

I'm now going to take a minute for a shameless plug here to help out a friend. Her family runs a small, holistic/homeopathic store in Arizona and they've got some AMAZING products - even more than what they have online. They take online orders and, right now, are running a special on free shipping when you place an order online (for a limited time only!).

http://www.naturesalternative.biz/retailer/store_templates/shell_id_1.asp?storeID=54F84611903B426EBF7A7F6C0C2F67B6

They're still in the first few years, and we all know how hard those are when you're trying to start up a new business! So, here's my shameless plug. If you use holistic/homeopathic meds - or if you've thought about it - or if you order your multivitamins, etc - take a minute to take a look at their site and see your stuff is there? If its not, drop them a line and ask them if they carry it - they just might. I know they'd REALLY appreciate the business - and she's been SO amazing to me, that its a no brainer for me to be out there wanting to help her.

I can say from personal experience - their multivitamins are outstanding, their Byronia Alba (by Borion) for muscle aches and pains are AMAZING (and taste like sweet little pearls - nothing yucky, I promise!). Their New Chapter Headache remedy is by far the BEST thing I've found - even for a migraine! - and its all natural!! I think the BEST thing, though, that I've found from them is the Blue Bonnet Optimimum Enzymes (digestive enzymes) - It truly has made a HUGE difference in my colitis and IBS! Its been amazing. There are tons of other great products that they carry as well (even some to help with infertility... some day I might get the chance to try these too!), but I can tell you first hand that *THESE* products that I listed work - and work really well! I've even given them to a friend and said - here, try this - and even SHE loves them now!

So, if you use homeopathic stuff - if you think you might - check out their site please - and pass this along to anyone else you know that might be able to use this info. I really want to help out my friend - she's just AMAZING - her whole family is - and she's been RIGHT THERE for me whenever I've needed it - for whatever I've needed. This is something small I can do for her - and I know she and her family not only need it, but really really appreciate it!

Add insult to injury!

Yes, my friends, when it rains it pours.

I was fired Monday. Well, I guess, technically I was 'let go.' - More precisely, it was made clear that what I could give my office was not what the office needed and it was felt that I deserved and needed more as well. *rolls eyes* Leave it to HR to come up with a way to 'fire' someone without really FIRING them.

Ironically, just this morning I was thinking - well, you know, maybe I need to just bite the bullet and tell them I'm done. There are a lot of 'pluses' to that. - Guess G-d intervened and took the decision right out of my hand.

Now, dont get me wrong - on top of everything else from this weekend I'm really pissed, hurt, etc etc etc. I really didnt think I could make it through the day, pack up my desk, etc - but I did.

So, now I'm a work-at-home person again, in a house which will very soon be occupied only by me, 3 dogs and 2 cats. *sigh* Where are those freaking anti-depressant pills when I need them?!

Then, of course, I talk to my dr's office. They got my test results back. The "good" news (as the nurse put it) was that my hemoglobin A1c was 5.6 (normal range for their lab is 4.5-5.7) - (a Hg A1c is an average of your sugar level over the past 3 months). So I said - Oh, so I'm at the very edge of 'normal' fantastic. Of course then I asked her what the INSULIN level was - which digressed into a long argument between us about insulin level being unnecessary and how since i've never had an abnormal glucose test she wasnt even sure I *HAD* insulin resistance. (Oh, really? Come here let me smack you once for good measure - I dont think you'll REALLY have a black eye). I tried very calmly to explain to her that if I have insulin resistance my body will produce MORE insulin to keep my sugars in the normal range because the cells arent picking it up appropriately - HENCE, my *INSULIN* level should be HIGH - and if it ISNT (since I'm on the met right now twice a day) then we'll know that I'm therapeutic on the met. Oh no, I'm apparently wrong - very very wrong (as told by the nurse). After much back-and-forth with the nurse (poor woman couldnt get anything right!) she says "lets just schedule a follow-up appointment for you for Thurs." Gee, super! Oh, and if I had any research I wanted to bring in to share she was sure the dr would be interested. Oh, so what you're saying is I can spend the next 2 days researching my ass off and your office would be happy to take a look at it and shoot me down? Great, just what I wanted to hear.

So here I am 2 days later. I've made a list of questions/concerns/goals/research information and alternative therapies I'm interested in trying.

1. Weight loss - This is vital for proper IR/PCOS treatment. Nothing I'm doing seems to work and I'd really like their help in addressing this.

2. Metformin - I want to know what we're looking for to judge the efficacy of the metformin. How will we know that it is actually IMPACTING the IR component if we do not draw an insulin level? I'm also going to ask for the blood glucose monitor even though my A1c was 5.6 (range 4.5-5.7) - I want to add this to my charting to see what, if anything, we can glean from this. (and I LOATHE needles - so this is a big thing for me to be ASKING for it!)

3. Alternative therapies - I would like to start vitex, don quai, and/or soy protein (instead of clomid) and see if I can ovulate on my own without the clomid, etc.

4. Natural progesterone - I want to discuss the implications of the extrememly low progesterone level at the end of the cycle. Couple this with the fact that I've been having saliva ferning consistently throughout my WHOLE cycle as well as my tail-end bleeding and I think there's something to this. I also think that either I'm extremely low in progesterone and/or I have a component of estrogen dominance.

5. I want a full hormone panel drawn - E1, E2, E3, testosterone, progesterone, DHEA, DHT, cortisol, and melatonin.

I think that's about it. :) That's my list for tomorrow. I'm feeling like it leaves me looking like a hypochondriac - but really, at this point, I just want as MUCH information as I can get and I really REALLY want to be able to chart it all out for a few months and see what patterns I can to get any more information on this freaking condition that I can.

I'll update tomorrow to let you know what she ends up saying. Cross your fingers for me and say some prayers!

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For those who are keeping track:

I am currently: Cd04.

Ultrasound showed nothing. They drew for progesterone and hemoglobin A1c anyway. Apparently they've decided that maybe it might be a good idea to go ahead and see what my 'end of cycle' progesterone looks like because maybe they might need to give me progesterone from ovulation on... Gee, wow, lets see, how many induced cycles have we done thus far, and you're only coming to this conclusion NOW? The hemoglobin A1c level is (supposedly) to see how my sugars are doing (it gives them an 'average' of your glucose over the last 90 days), which makes NO sense to me because what they SHOULD be doing is an insulin level and a glucose tolerence test - NOT a Hg A1c. Of course she was also saying - but your glucose looked great back in December '05... yeah, if you remember it was actually LOWER than we had hoped it would be. Yes, I do remember that - I also remember its why I questioned about going on the metformin at the time but you said it would help with the insulin resistance so I did it.

I asked about doing a combo of met and avandia and she said 'oh, well I dont think we're doing that here in this practice.' Well, gee, isnt that just swell. She also said, look, you have to accept that fact that you have PCOS and you're very VERY likely never going to actually ovulate on your own without clomid/hcg/LH - some sort of stimulation and trigger. Oh, gee, really? Hmmm, that's funny because I KNOW people who have PCOS that were able to do that once they got their PCOS under good control.

I've done EVERYTHING diligently. I've taken my medicine, I've gotten shots, I've given blood, I've even had sex when they told me to. I've done EVERYTHING - and SOMETHING isnt working. I'm frustrated and angry - I'm just plain ol' bloody PISSED OFF - which, I guess, is better than the blubbering idiot I was this morning with my husband before I left for the doctor's office, right? Bless his heart he held me and told me I wasnt all THAT broken and we'd be ok no matter what. Its one of the most supportive times we've ever had together.

----
So, for those keeping track - Not pregnant this month.

What's the plan for the next few months? - I have no idea. I want to just crawl into bed and hibernate for many many moons.

T-minus 1 day and counting.

Tomorrow is T-day (test day).

I'm freaked out. I've tried REALLY REALLY hard to keep this very objective and clinical and NOT to get emotionally invested.

I failed. Miserably.

First the ferning pattern (this is the first cycle with the ovulens - so I dont know if it happens because of the clomid/hCG or not), then all of the sudden yesterday my breasts were irritated and sore here and there and my nipples were sore and I started to think "well, MAYBE..." but then I went - Ummm, no. Its just the Clomid end-of-cycle effect, remember - its happened before.

I have found myself praying, begging, pleading, bargaining, and crying to G-d. I've insisted that there's "no way" I'm pregnant because clearly, if I was, I'd know it, right? Then I've insisted that I'm sure the test could, maybe, possibly, be positive because you DONT always know for 100% sure that you are. I've embraced my "symptoms" as a sign of hope - and banished them as mental torture from the hormones I've taken (again, with a choice word or two at G-d for the regimens of pills and shots I've been going through to get this far).

I really REALLY want to know so the torture of not knowing is over. I really DONT want to know because then the 'hope' is gone.

I want time to just stop and freeze. I am definitely one of those people who really REALLY hates change. I despise it with a passion - even good change is incredibly hard for me to deal with sometimes (ok, honestly, most times).

I'm really very very lucky and happy right now. I have my DH home with me, I have the possibility of pregnancy, and I have wonderful friends and family who all love and support me. I will always have my friends and family, and I know that. DH will be leaving (likely on Sat) for Montreal - a 22-hour drive from where we are now - and then after the 1st of the year he'll be traveling to India to oversee some training program there. I'm hoping he's back in Montreal by our anniversary so I can go up there and be with him for it.

Right now I just want to be wrapped up in a big blanket, cuddled and snuggled until I drift blissfully back off to sleep, and when I wake up everything gets to be exactly the same and time stands still.

As it stands right now, the next 'step' if this cycle is a bust will be time off (obviously). They still do not have the insurance issue worked out for me once he leaves and goes up to Canada, so as of the end of this month my wonderful, super-duper, OMG I cant believe we have all THAT coverage is gone. Its the epitomy of a bad 'how many ... does it take to...' jokes. Apparently for this it takes 2 rocket scientists, a cardiologist, 12 engineers, and 15 researchers (Ok, no, not really, but it is taking 2 VPs, 3 HR/benes people, and 5 secretaries) to figure out how to keep me on one insurance plan and him on another when we're in 2 different countries. *rolls eyes* The kicker is, we PAY for it anyway, so I dont see what the big flippin deal is! Gotta love administrative 'red tape'.

---
For those keeping track:
Temp: (8am) 97.5

(woke up FREEZING - shivering I tell you! - DH had all the windows in the house open last night to 'air out' the house so I didnt have to smell the sausage he'd cooked while I was out (it was REALLY offensive to me on Mon/Tues so he thought to do it while I was gone yesterday) I temp'ed just incase i was 'up' (so I wouldnt forget as I often do when I wake up in an unpleasant way) for the day but then fell right back to sleep)

(9am) 97.9 ( Cold, but not QUITE as 'freezing' :) )

Fern Report: Lots n Lots o' Ferns baby!

Cd26 - 13dpt(trigger) - 11-12 dpo. (Fri = cd27 - 14 dpt - 12-13dpo)

I SAW IT!!

I saw the freaking ferning! No kidding - I really really did!!!

Ok, you can go back to your regularly scheduled reading. :)

Its back up!

8 am temp = 98.0. *smile* *dance* That's good and HIGH for an 8am temp for me!!

Yeah, I know, it dont mean squat until the ultrasound and blood work, but - *dance* it was 98.0!!

Oh, yeah, and did I mention I'm still waking up at 6:30-7am-ish. My feeling is "Oh this is WAY to darned early for this crap!" and then I put my head back down and try to sleep for at least another hour... - my temp was 98.0 at 7am too before I put my head back down :)

I keep trying to use the ovulens to see if I can see any ferning patterns going on this late in the cycle (supposedly an indication of pregnancy... *shrug*) - but I'm having the DARNDEST time getting the hang of this sucker! I can program an operating system with my eyes shut, but I cant seem to discern if I see a 'ferning' pattern or not in my d*mned saliva! What is that?!

I'm systematically and thoroughly loosing the 'keep a good reality check going' thing. *sigh* It even occurred to me last night, since I'm going to be up by my dr's office today, ANYway, to see if they could move my appt up from Fri to today. Truth be told, though, as much as I'm dying to know, I'm scared as hell to find out. There's so much going on right now with DH leaving for Canada, the insurance changes that will happen when he does (unless he can convince them to 'work something out'), etc... I'm almost afraid that the lack of true PMSy signs (ie: lack of cramps at less than a week out from anticipated AF), etc is just because my body/mind are under some stress - no matter how much I try to dissipate the stress and keep it at bay, circumstances work against me in this.

I dont know what to do, honestly. Earlier appt and know for sure? Wait til Fri as scheduled? Beat my head against the wall for good measure?? (All very viable options!) About the only thing I'm NOT considering is PoaS. Go figure. Gotta be 'different', right?

----
As usual, for those keeping track...
Cd25 - 12dpt(trigger) - 10-11 dpo. (Fri = cd27 - 14 dpt - 12-13dpo)

*sigh* temp is (kinda) "down"

I could make excuses - I really could. I went to bed almost 2.5 hours later than I normally do, hence slept a lot less than usual for those times, etc. But the truth is, I'd be doing it just to keep 'faith' and to not have to face reality.

7:30 (before potty run) - 97.6 (after potty run it was 97.7 still)
9:30 (before getting out of bed for real) - 97.6

Now, yes, 97.6 is the same its been consistently at the 7:30/8am reading. But its usually up around 98.0 for the 10am reading.

Here's the sucky-ass part. I'm a tummy sleeper, so when I woke up my nipples were sore becuase I'd been sleeping on them and I guess I was moving because there was friction, etc. THIS, however, I know for SURE is one of my classic 'end of clomid cycle f*ck with your mind' signs.

I just wish AF would come (or not) and put me out of my misery.

Cd24 - 11dpt - 9-10 dpo (for those keeping track). (Fri = cd27 - 14 dpt - 12-13dpo)

Friday is the day and I am resolved...

NOT to PoaS before I go to my dr's appt on Fri. That's the day when we do the last u/s, and a progesterone level. (they asked me earlier if I wanted the blood draw before or after the scan - at the time I didnt think it all the way through - now I'm thinking I should've gone for AFTER because if the scan is 'negative' there's really no reason for the blood draw... anyway. I've really struggled with the do/dont PoaS and know early. Do I want to know - dont I want to know? I'm pretty sure the hCG trigger they gave me is well out of my system and a false positive would be unlikely. However, I also dont know that I'd want to go for the ultrasound/progesterone test on Fri if I got a BFN. I'm also not a big PoaS'er. If they're here in the house I'll do it, usually one the first day and then one a day or two later just to make sure that the first BFN wasnt too early, etc - even though I KNOW it wasnt, but ... its that hope vs reality thing.

Amazingly enough, I was having a really good day today and then I got some ligament twinges and then walked through the store with this woozey feeling like you wouldnt believe and now have a collosal headache. Not to mention the trips to the bathroom every 1.5 - 2 hours, the little gas bubbles I've had all day, and now the reflux that's hitting me. *rolls eyes* - So what do you think? Psychosomatic or real? Wouldnt I like to know?!? At this point I'm leaning towards clomid end-of-cycle 'mess with my head' symptoms coupled with psychosomatism. That's my story and I'm stickin to it.

Right now I'm just waiting until the dogs are done eating and ready for bed so I can go curl up and crash myself.

CONGRATULATIONS

A big 'Mazel Tov!' goes out to UtRUs on what appears to be a 2nd pink line after a 5-day frozen transfer.

May you have only health and happiness during your pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby to bring into your family.

What a nice 'pick me up' from the drech I was feeling earlier.

And they've stopped

I think, for the most part, the symptoms have all stopped. The ligament pain is pretty well gone, except for when I lay down in bed, and everything else is gone. (except the elevated temp - but this morning's is a crappy example because I woke up at just before 6am and didnt take my temp figuring I was just on (yet another) bathroom run and then couldnt go back to sleep for another hour - but then slept almost 4 hours and temped then and it was 98.2 - but that was at 10am - and the previous days' have all been at 7-8am and 97.6... so that's about right on target I think.) I'm cd23 - 8-9 dpo - 10 dpt(rigger) - I even thought I saw good ferning patterns on my ovulens yesterday during the day - at least twice - but, then this morning I did it first thing in the morning and its all one gelatenous blobby of bubbly things. *sigh*

I'm releaved to not be feeling crappy because of drugs, so I'm really not bitching about getting what I "asked for" - but I'm also a little sad. Its one of those 'yes, ok, just remind yourself that it was ONLY the meds...' I'm still COMPLETELY congested, but I think its just the changing weather and my azthma reacting to it.

My DH leaves this week for an 'extended business trip' in Montreal. Its both a good and bad thing. The good side is that it gives me a little time to 'amp down' on the pregnancy thing. Take a break, get my breath a little. It also means that I can take the time to focus on weight loss, better PCOS/IR control, etc - which I do really want to do. I'm thinking of "joining" the running program from Doctor Mama - I've always wanted to be able to 'do' running. This seems like a relatively reasonably doable plan, so I'd like to give it a shot.

The downside is that I dont want to take the break. It wasnt my idea. I'm frustrated and angry and feeling blocked every time I try to move. DH has moral issues about IUI and IVF. Please, dont flame about whether or not he's right or wrong - or anything of the sort. Its the way he feels and I can understand it. He has the right to his opinion and I respect it. It also means that it limits our options for treatment. He's also said he's completely against adoption - again, flames on this issue are not welcome - its how he feels and he feels very STRONGLY about it. I love him for who he is and I respect his right to have the feelings he does. I dont have to agree with him to do that.

Can I throw in there that I'm in emotional upheaval?? :) He's leaving - I'm not happy because I'm going to miss him terribly and dont want him to go - and I also dont want to have to move up there eventually either. I'm also (go figure) very bummed and frustrated about this cycle. I tried not to hope, but I fail miserably at it often. Have I mentioned that I'm going to have a serious 'adult temper tantrum' once he's gone - it will consist of a Nora Roberts book, a LOT of Gilmore Girls, and probably a lot of working on my novel. (I might even throw some pureed frozen fruit in a glass into that mixture!)

How long can the effects last

That's what inquiring minds want to know at this point. How long can this perverse and sick 'joke' that the hCG seems to have invoked in my body continue? We're currently at (at least) 7-8 dpo and 9 dpt (days post trigger). I ask you, how much longer can the hCG stay in my system and conitnue this?? I mean, the doc's office said I could test as early as 10 dpo - which would lead me to think that it should've been well enough out of my system by then that it wouldnt interfere with the test... but, with everything ELSE that's gone 'wrong' this time, can I really make that assumption?!

Current 'effects':
1. What I'm told by Ms. OB/GYN is ligamentous pain - a "pulling" sensation throughout the lowest part of my abdomen. My pannus feels like its too heavy for my body to hold up any more and my uterus feels like its pressing DOWN on my pelvic bone

2. Waking up at STUPID in the morning. Today it was 7am (BBT at 7am was 97.9 - which is up .3 from the 8am readings I've been taking, which should mean it would've been up even higher at 8am I think) - I am NOT a morning person - not at all - and especially not when I could be sleeping IN.

3. Hypersalivation along with the vague nausea feeling. Not really "nauseous" just more like the feeling you have when you're on a boat on rough waters. More queasy than nauseous.

4. Oh yeah, and there's the 'emotions are all over the charts' effect - that's a good one.

5. Constipation.

6. BLOATING.

7. Gas bubbles.

Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch... I know. But, honestly, as much as I'd HOPE that these are signs and not just side effects - I really have to be cautious about getting too emotionally invested. So, until I have that 'YUP, you're positive' from my doc - I'm not taking it for granted or assuming anything. (Even then, you know I wont be fully 'there' until after the first heartbeats and ultrasounds).

Doesnt change the fact that I've begged, pleaded, bargained and bartered with G-d for this to be a 'viable, healthy child (or children) should He see fit' I figure it was good enough for the Matriarchs...

*sniffle*

I'm a little faclempt... I not only got my first link to the blog by UtRus, but I also got my first comment.

Just give me a moment to clear myself up... here, I'll give you a topic...

"What are the top 3 things that you most want to give your child (when you have one if you're still TTC) that you either did or did not have as a child yourself." - Discuss.

Mine:
1. Unconditional love and acceptance.
2. Lots of books of a wide variety! (Go go Scholastic Readers Club!)
3. Music and a love for ALL kinds.

Go on, now its your turn...

5-Things Meme

I've been tagged from UtRus to do the 5-Things Meme! So here goes:

5 Things in my Fridge
1. Cream cheese
2. Bagels
3. Left over baked zitti
4. Peach Yoplait yogurt
5. Left over Pizza Hut pizza

5 Things in my closet
1. My favorite black/white dress
2. My college windbreaker
3. My favorite purple silk teddy
4. My LEAST favorite cream-colored shirt
5. DH's dress suit.

5 Things in my car
1. Heavy Winnie-the-Pooh jacket
2. Mini-disk player
3. Bucket of cat litter.
4. Camp Drake baseball cap.
5. Extra pair of Birkenstocks

5 Things in my purse
1. Franklin planner.
2. Bottles of metformin, Tylenol, and Benadryl.
3. Nora Roberts book.
4. Two sets of 'spare keys'
5. Three containers of Carmex.

5 People who are now tagged
(OY! This one's rough -no one actually reads this blog really so...)
1. Eternal_wonder over at http://eternal-wonder.livejournal.com/
2. ChanahSarah over at http://chanasarah.livejournal.com/
3. Annissa
4. Caitlin
5. (Fess up if you read over here and want to be tagged!!)

The nausea returns

Woke up this morning with waves of nausea again. I'm standing in the shower thinking "Ok, so I know more likely than not I'm NOT pregnant and this is just the drugs messing with my body and my head." But I have to say, its just WRONG that the medication you take to help you GET pregnant should wage such psychological warfare on you at the same time giving you every indication in the book that you really ARE pregnant!

CD20 - Temp was still 97.6 (taken 2 hours earlier than usual - same temp/time as yesterday though - again, still too early for that to really 'mean' anything... - we're only 6dpo today)

And as much as I keep saying I'm going to have a 'stress-free' 2 week wait... well, I came into the office today and that got shot to hell. *sigh* Deep breaths and a nice long shower when I get home should help that well enough.

The latest news is that DH will be heading back to Montreal sometime next week. I've known for awhile it was coming, but I kept hoping it would fall through. Next Fri is either going to be a really GOOD day or a really crappy day... lets hope for really good with lots of baby dust.

The book that hasn't been written

Ok, so yes, TCoYF is the "gold standard" for books/information regarding fertility, infertility, family planning, etc. But come on ladies - when you're in the middle of the 'TWW' does it answer all those 'nagging questions' that you really want to know??

I told one of my really good friends (aka "Ms. OB/GYN") that she needs to write "the book" - the non-clinical, non-medical book that answers all the neurotic questions we TTC'ers have. "Can I have sex after ovulation if I think I MIGHT get pregnant this month? Will it hinder/harm implantation?", etc. I really want a book that gives me the USEFUL info that I want to know - not the clinically practical info that I can get from things like TCoYF.

I also think she ought to use the "Ms. OB/GYN" as the pen name -but then again, as Ron Stoppable says, that might just be a little too braggy.

My wish

If I were a scientist - or a research doctor - my focus would be on earlier pregnancy detection.

Ok, so, I know people are saying - here, with so many fatal diseases in today's world, how could you be so self-centered as to have that be your only focus. Isnt that a little "small" in comparison. Well, yeah, sure - if you look at it THAT way. :)

When you've been trying for so long, there comes a point when you CAN start getting a little irrational about it though. I mean, for those of us with PCOS, or any kind of infertility, that just CAN NOT seem to get pregnant, that TWW (two week wait) is HELL - sheer and utter HELL. The longer it goes on - the more 'cautious hope' you have - even when you know that your temps are "only up because of the hormones," and you're body is only "feeling pregnant" because of the 10,000 IU of hCG they gave you - Umm... yeah, SO not a nice thing to do to a person btw! Now if we could know, for sure, within 2 or 3 days of ovulation - Yup, you made it! or Nope, still didnt get the job done - think of how much less anxiety and nail biting there would be! You wouldnt have to keep trying to out-psych yourself as you got your hopes up (even though you desperately tried not to). You wouldnt have to go insane thinking "is this a pregnancy sign" - when you know, for SURE, that your body is betraying you and giving you the signs and symptoms only as a side effect to the hormones.

Now, there's always the - Yes, but would you really WANT to know that early - because what if it didnt implant - or there was something wrong and there was a spontaneous m/c - then you'd have KNOWN you were pregnant and then werent. And, well, that's definitely a true and valid point. But I'd still want to know. I'd want to know so that if I WASNT I could just mentally and emotionally move on, not necessarily to know to get my hopes and emotions invested - though I'm sure I would do it just the same.

So for all of you out there who are in the TWW, I'm so sorry I'm not a scientist. If someday I DO happen to get there, rest assured it will be my first order of business. :)

The waiting is what sucks the most

Its like waiting for christmas - and an upcoming painful surgery - all at the same time. You want it - you dread it. You need it to just be over - but you know if it is that you've got to start from scratch, and that sucks.

In talking to the nurse practioner who did my scan yesterday, I got some of my questions answered - whee!

My endometrial lining was 8. The 2 folicles that matured (from Fri's scan) measured: 20 x 20 mm and the other was 29 x 24 mm. Both very good things.

I also asked about the timing thing since I'm thinking we ovulated on Sat at some point and sex wasnt until "stupid o'clock" sat night/sun morning. She said that was just fine and we'd done everything we could. That was still just fine timing and not to worry - WHEW.

The big question was about the Bendaryl. Since it occured to me (too late, of course) that the Benadryl could dry out the CM... gee, perfect, just GREAT. She said that while it COULD do that, they have others who are on it chronically as well and they didnt think it made that much of a signficant difference really. She said in general she'd try to lay off it mid-cycle if at all possible.

So, I've been reassured that there's nothing more we could do - or could've done. The benadryl, while a bad idea, wasnt so bad - especially since I didnt take it Sat night and it has a very short half-life and is out of your system pretty quickly.

At least the news was encouraging. Back to keeping a small, miniscule amount of hope and lots and lots of prayers.

How'd I get here?!?

At 30 years old (both of us), we've been TTC for the last 4 years. Short version: I stopped BCPs 4 years ago. After 2 years of TTC with no luck (and very few periods), I started to do research. What kept popping up? Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I had all of the hallmark symptoms a girl can have without clinical exam. By year 3 I went to the OB/GYN and said, I think I have PCOS - sure enough after a detailed history, a few blood draws and an ultrasound - I was right. Lucky me. What was my 'prize' for being right? A D&C to evacuate my current (way too thick) lining and a protocol of Provera to bring on a bleed and get my progesterone up.

Now, when I bled for a week, I thought - ok. When I bled for TWO weeks, I said -hmmm.. When I was bleeding for the THIRD week (and the doctor wasnt really that concerned... I should've known that it was time to move on.) But her solution to this was either I could "wait it out" and see if it would stop on its own - OR - I could try a round of Clomid to stop the bleed and bring on an ovulation and we could 'try' that month (like, ok, we're not TRYING already?!) - whatever.

So I said, fine, lets try the Clomid. I ask about side effects, what do I need to know, what follow up is needed, etc. What do I get? Well, its a super-low does (50 mg once daily) - so we can just give it a shot, dont really need to do any tests or close follow... we'll just go with it and see if nature happens. (NOTE: This is, again, where I should've run - FAST). So we did that. No ovulation - did I have any follicles, who knows! We didnt do any scans.

So I quickly changed to a much more competent nurse midwife - same practice, but much MUCH better. She's fantastic. Asks me when I was given the Dx of PCOS - ummm... yeah, havent, but I DO know I have it. Oh boy was she surprised. Yes, of course, and here's the OFFICIAL Dx in writing - you have PCOS. Now, lets get you started on a dose of metformin, we can try another round of clomid if you like - this time we'll make sure we get the scans done so we're informed, etc etc. - We did a round of clomid 100 mg (no scans) - I by BBT charting I did ovulate and had a BEAUTIFUL triphasic chart - BFN.

After that I took several months off - First DH went out of the country for work. Then, frankly, I needed the time off, DH needed it, my life's craziness insisted on it. Nothing like life circumstances kicking your ass and saying - Umm, yeah, guess what - you need a BREAK!

So now, almost a year after the D&C and progesterone, etc - we're giving it one more shot before DH leaves again for another extended business trip out of the country. I'm currently taking 850 mg of metformin twice daily. Add to that clomid on cd5-9. Ironically, its THIS cycle that they said, hmmm... folicle scan - good idea. So we did one on Friday (10/06/06) - showed 2 "good sized" folicles (but they were right on top of each other so they were having a hard time getting a good measurement on them) - and then 2 more 'tiny' folicles which didnt provide a lot of hope. Of course the CNM is out and so the OB/GYN doc (yes, the one I had in the beginning of all this...) is the one to do the scan. She says - Ok, well your lining looks nice and you've got 2 good folicles. Lets give you an hCG shot - you should ovulate sometime tonight, tomorrow or Sun - and we'll see you back in here on Mon for another scan. Gee, great! Now, had I known THEN what I know now after coming home and researching it - I would've said, lets wait until Mon - so then we can be sure to watch it closer, etc. But, no, I'm shanghi'ed and just said... umm... ok.

Of course, we had sex Fri morning - though it was pretty fruitless (they were going to do a post-coital test but there was no fertile mucous so they couldnt really get anything...) - and then again Sat night at stupid-late (or, if you prefer stupid-early Sun morning). Since ovulation after an hCG shot can be anywhere from 12-36 hours later, assuming that I ovulated on (in the 24-36 hour range) Sat or Sun (and not late Fri night - in the 12-hour range) that would've been our 'conception sex.' (I even had a pillow under my hips and stayed like that for 30ish minutes afterwards... just covering all bases, you know. :) )

I went back today and the NP (nurse practioner) did my ultrasound. (Note, the OB/GYN M.D. did come in and briefly glance over the printed scan pictures the NP took - all in the name of 'consistancy' because, of course, SHE did the first scan so she'd know what she saw that time - at least in theory... *sigh*) - She says "Well, you've had a little thickening of your lining - that usually a sign of ovulation. And there's an irregularly-shaped folicle here... oh, I bet that's what ruptured to release the egg, ok, that makes sense... so that's a good sign too." - Now, at this point, I'm so frustrated and tired and just plain WORN OUT, that I dont think to ask - what is the lining measuring? what was the size of the folicle on the scan on fri when we did the hCG shot? are we seeing any striping in the endometrium? etc etc etc. - Note to self - ALWAYS ask questions. I know better than that! The M.D. comes back in and says - Hmm, ok - well the other 2 tiny folicles didnt develop and release like I had hoped they would (umm, yeah, you thought that two MINI folicles were going to magically develop and release because you gave me an hCG shot?? As far as I know that's SO ass backwards.) - but we'll have you back in 10 days to do a progesterone level and check for a corpus luteum; see ya then!

GOOD GRIEF.

So I specifically scheduled the 10-dpo visit with my CNM, I emailed her this evening and said, "yeah, I was pretty brain dead and I'd like to know x-y-and-z, and I'm really REALLY looking forward to seeing YOU again."

So, for now, I have resolved that I will have NO STRESS for the next 2 weeks (at least!) I have to have faith that I've successfully done everything and anything I could do this month to make this successful and leave it in G-d's hand and wait it out.

So, say an extra prayer - and have an extra drink for me. If I'm not pregnant this month, I'm going to need one.