I'm freaked out. I've tried REALLY REALLY hard to keep this very objective and clinical and NOT to get emotionally invested.
I failed. Miserably.
First the ferning pattern (this is the first cycle with the ovulens - so I dont know if it happens because of the clomid/hCG or not), then all of the sudden yesterday my breasts were irritated and sore here and there and my nipples were sore and I started to think "well, MAYBE..." but then I went - Ummm, no. Its just the Clomid end-of-cycle effect, remember - its happened before.
I have found myself praying, begging, pleading, bargaining, and crying to G-d. I've insisted that there's "no way" I'm pregnant because clearly, if I was, I'd know it, right? Then I've insisted that I'm sure the test could, maybe, possibly, be positive because you DONT always know for 100% sure that you are. I've embraced my "symptoms" as a sign of hope - and banished them as mental torture from the hormones I've taken (again, with a choice word or two at G-d for the regimens of pills and shots I've been going through to get this far).
I really REALLY want to know so the torture of not knowing is over. I really DONT want to know because then the 'hope' is gone.
I want time to just stop and freeze. I am definitely one of those people who really REALLY hates change. I despise it with a passion - even good change is incredibly hard for me to deal with sometimes (ok, honestly, most times).
I'm really very very lucky and happy right now. I have my DH home with me, I have the possibility of pregnancy, and I have wonderful friends and family who all love and support me. I will always have my friends and family, and I know that. DH will be leaving (likely on Sat) for Montreal - a 22-hour drive from where we are now - and then after the 1st of the year he'll be traveling to India to oversee some training program there. I'm hoping he's back in Montreal by our anniversary so I can go up there and be with him for it.
Right now I just want to be wrapped up in a big blanket, cuddled and snuggled until I drift blissfully back off to sleep, and when I wake up everything gets to be exactly the same and time stands still.
As it stands right now, the next 'step' if this cycle is a bust will be time off (obviously). They still do not have the insurance issue worked out for me once he leaves and goes up to Canada, so as of the end of this month my wonderful, super-duper, OMG I cant believe we have all THAT coverage is gone. Its the epitomy of a bad 'how many ... does it take to...' jokes. Apparently for this it takes 2 rocket scientists, a cardiologist, 12 engineers, and 15 researchers (Ok, no, not really, but it is taking 2 VPs, 3 HR/benes people, and 5 secretaries) to figure out how to keep me on one insurance plan and him on another when we're in 2 different countries. *rolls eyes* The kicker is, we PAY for it anyway, so I dont see what the big flippin deal is! Gotta love administrative 'red tape'.
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For those keeping track:
Temp: (8am) 97.5
(woke up FREEZING - shivering I tell you! - DH had all the windows in the house open last night to 'air out' the house so I didnt have to smell the sausage he'd cooked while I was out (it was REALLY offensive to me on Mon/Tues so he thought to do it while I was gone yesterday) I temp'ed just incase i was 'up' (so I wouldnt forget as I often do when I wake up in an unpleasant way) for the day but then fell right back to sleep)
(9am) 97.9 ( Cold, but not QUITE as 'freezing' :) )
Fern Report: Lots n Lots o' Ferns baby!
Cd26 - 13dpt(trigger) - 11-12 dpo. (Fri = cd27 - 14 dpt - 12-13dpo)
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